Beyond the Clouds


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狼 (changed that sentence back, decided it wasn't as weird sounding as I thought it was.)

天 (looks fine to me ^^. maybe you could take one last look at the "ruffling fur" sentence, but aside from that I think it's finished.)

汁 (No obvious typo or grammar mistake that I can see.)

月 (I think its done.)

味 (I think it's good)

味: Re-read, just added one minor thing which can be overlooked rather easily =P

Noted Text
川の中で、キラリと光る. 翻った鱗の銀色が見えた. それと同時にじっと見つめていた浮きが、くくっ、と水の中に引き込まれる. 【リック】「よしッ！　やった！」 俺は、タイミングを見計らって、竿をぐいと引き上げる.

A twinkling in the river. Then a sudden turn and I can see silvery scales. At the same time, the bobber that has been sitting patiently suddenly catches and dips into the water. Rick: "Alright! Got it!" I carefully time it and pull the rod up.

[狼: did some grammar and style stuff] [天: Thanks, I was sort of battling with this sentence ^^". And I like the idea to use Kanjis for our nicks :P. I'm taking "Ama" ^^][汁: I can't read Japanese. As far as I'm concerned, the "float" part makes no sense at all!] [天: I hope this works now after 狼 changed it a little.] [汁: Yes, much better.]

ざざざと、森の樹が揺れる. 勢いよく川の中から飛び出した魚から飛び散った水が、風に乗って俺のヒゲを濡らす. 川につけてある魚籠の蓋を開けて、引き上げたばかりの魚から針を外す.

The trees in the forest shake and rustle. I heave and send the fish flying out of the river, the splash getting water on my whiskers. I take the cover off the fish basket that's floating in the water, and pull the hook out of the fish I just caught.

【リック】「あっ、ああっ！」 魚は俺の手から逃れ、音を立ててまた川の中に戻り見えなくなった. 川の流れる音と、蝉の泣き声が辺りに残る. 俺は濡れたヒゲをぐいと拭った.

Rick: "Ah-, Aah!" The fish slips through my hands and falls back into the river with a splash, disappearing from my sight. The noise of the water and the cry of the cicadas are all I'm left with. I wipe off my wet whiskers.

''[味: Hate to be a nag but "wring out" is when you twist something to get all the water out (laundry). That sounds kind of painful for a cat, no? Maybe "wipe off" would work better? And heads-up I'm probably gonna knit-pick the hell out of everything from here on in, so if it gets to be TOO overbearing just let me know.] [天: Well the original uses the sound-effect for squeezing/pulling to describe how he wipes his wiskers. Whatever sounds natural I'd say.] [味: Maybe "tug on my whiskers tog et the (beads of) water off"?]''

【リック】「・・・ま、いっか」 魚籠の中には俺と弟の二人分の夕飯には充分すぎるほどの魚が入っていた. 俺は、川から魚籠を引き上げる. 冷たい水が、ばしゃばしゃと地面を濡らす. うーんと背伸びをして深呼吸. 胸の中が水の匂いと、花の匂いで満たされる.

Rick: "... oh well." In the fish basket are more than enough fish to make dinner for me and my little brother.

[天: I normally keep the silly "little/big brother" stuff because I find it cute ^^". But I think that doesn't fit the style we're trying to translate this] [狼:I think what he's saying is closer to "oh well". And I have no problem using little/big brother, I think this story is supposed to be pretty cute]'[天: Ok then let's keep it ^^.][味: Younger brother could always work too |3] 

I pull the basket out of the water. Cold water drips off it and leaves wet marks on the ground.

[天: I think we should cut out the ばしゃばしゃ (splish-splash).] [狼:maybe we could do something like "cold water splashed onto the ground"]'[天: Ok.] 

I moan as I stretch my back and take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the smell of the water and flowers.

ここは、バストークの村から離れた場所にある川岸. 川の真ん中にある大きな浮島には、アモレアという香りのよい花が咲いている. ここは、俺の絶好の釣り場になっていてよく夕飯のおかずを捕っている. こんな村外れの水場には誰も来ないからほとんど俺だけの場所みたいなものだ.

This riverside is far away from Bastok village. On a huge island afloat in the middle of the river bloom fragrant flowers known as Amorea.

''[狼: the japanese might describe islands in the middle of rivers as floating, but it doesn't sound right to me, I think we should drop "floating"]'[天: Alright. And should the island really turn out to float later on, we can still change it. Even if a chapter is finished it's not carved in stone :P]'[味: More knitpicking, just removed "the" and added "known as"... just flows better. Also by "island floating in the middle of the river" they may mean "On a huge island island (which remains) AFLOAT in the middle of the river", which would simply mean it's in the middle of the river and not floating in mid-air ^^;] [天: alright. looking back I don't remember anyone metioning that island as "floating" again, so it maybe just means something like "afloat" after all.]''

This has become my favorite fishing spot, I can easily catch a side dish for dinner here. Since it's so far away from the village nobody ever comes here, so it feels like my own private spot.

俺は、竿を片づけ、魚籠を肩にかつぐ. 西に傾きかけている太陽を背に、家路に就いた.

丘の上から、大陸の端っこが見える. 相変わらず、大陸の下には真っ白い雲が絶えず流れていた. 丘の上に立って感じる風の匂いは森の中の匂いとは違っていた. たぶん、あの白い雲の匂いなんだろう.

I wind up the fishing rod and lift the basket on my shoulder. With the setting sun at my back I head home.

From the top of the hill I can see the edge of the continent. As always, all you can see below is the everflowing stream of pure white clouds.

''[天: Dunno if this is right, the word "everflowing" just poped up in my head. XD] [狼:"everflowing" sounds good to me]'[味]: Very nice wording for a spur of the moment. Also nice to know that words can "pope" up in your head ;P]''

The smell of the wind that brushes against my fur is different here than the forest. Perhaps it's the smell of those clouds.

''[狼:"the smell of the wind that I feel on my fur" seems cluttered to me, it'd be nice if we could move part of that around.][汁: better with " the smell of the wind against my fur"?]'[天: Maybe. And I also think we should drop the second "white". Saying "white clouds" two times so close to each other sounds weird to me. But then again I'm no expert ^^""] [汁: I dropped the second "white". just talking about "those clouds" should be clear enough.] [味]: "The smell of the wind THAT BRUSHES against my fur spunds better... this just sounds a bit off =S] [天: ah, ok]''

俺は、大陸の端っこを越えてあの雲の向こうには何があるのか考える. あの雲の向こうには、俺の知らない新しい世界が広がっているのだ. そんな世界が本当にあるかどうかなんてわからないけれど、俺はきっとあると思っている.

"What if I could cross this edge, what would lie beyond those clouds?", I wonder. Spreading out beyond them lies a new world that I have yet to see. I don't know whether or not that world really exists, but I feel it definitely does.

[狼:I dunno how self-contradictory the original is, but saying "I can't say for sure if it does, but I'm sure it does" sounds really weird in English]'[天: It really is a little contradictory there, but I think it works well like this.]  

聖典には大陸の下にはどろどろの溶岩や闇が広がっていると書かれている. その闇の中から俺達の住んでいる大陸が生まれたなんて書いてあるけれど、馬鹿げた話は信じていない.

In the holy scripture it says that below the continent there's nothing but thick lava and darkness, and that the continent we live on was born from that darkness. I don't believe in that nonsense.

俺の父さんは、学者だった. 古文書や伝説の研究をしていた. そして、あの雲の下には違う世界があることを突きとめた. 大陸の下には、文明が栄えていて俺達の世界とは違う世界があるのだと、日記や研究誌に書いてあった.

Our father was a scholar. He studied ancient documents and myths, and he found out that another world exists below those clouds. Below this continent, a civilization is flourishing, a whole different world exists there. That's what he wrote in his diary and his research papers.

俺には父さんの記憶はほとんどなかった. 知っていることといえば、母さんに聞いたことばかりだった. 父さんは、外世界に行くために、禁じられている飛行機の研究をしていたんだと言う. そのために、法律違反によって法王庁の憲兵に逮捕され、処刑されてしまったのだと言う.

I don't really have any memories of my father. All I know is what my mother told me. She said that in order to go to the outside world, father engaged in forbidden research about aircrafts. Because of that, because he had committed heresy, he was arrested by the Holy Order's military police and executed. That's what mother said.

''[天: I like the translation "Holy Order". Has sort of a flair of crusaders and conspiracy. ^^" Dunno, tell me how you'd translate "法王庁".] [狼:I think it's referring to a generic religious establishment, and unless it's given a more specific name, I would say "the Church", but it's vague enough we could do whatever we want with it.]'[天: Yay, ok then Rick's opponents will be the Holy Order from now on ^^.] ''

けれど、それは違った. 俺は、父さんの秘密の研究所を見つけた. そこには、飛行機は完成して、飛び立つ前日までの記録が残っていた. 父さんが法王庁に逮捕されたなんてウソだった. 父さんは、外世界に向かって飛行機を飛ばしたんだ！

But that isn't true. I've found father's secret study. Left there were records about the completion of his airplane, dated until the day before his flight. Dad being arrested by the order, that was all a lie. Dad flew his airplane to that other world.

たぶん、禁止している飛行機が空を飛んだという事実を法王庁が隠蔽したに違いない.

俺も、父さんのように空を飛びたい. そして、外世界にどんな世界が待っているのか、それをこの目で確かめたい、そう思っていた. 幸い、父さんの研究所には、造りかけの飛行機と設計図が残っていて、少しずつだったけれど、俺が続きを造っている.

The order probably wanted to cover up that the forbidden airplane really flew through the sky. [狼:doesn't たぶん mean "probably"?]'[天: Yup.] 

I too want to fly through the sky, just like my father. And I want to see with my own eyes what kind of world is waiting for me out there. Luckily dad left an unfinished airplane together with the blueprints in his study. I can only take one step at a time, but I will continue building it.

''[汁: Isn't "what kind of world is waiting for me in that other world." rather ridiculously redundant? And what does "take little steps" mean exactly? That he must be discreet? That he hasn't much time for it? That he doesn't know much about how it works?]''

''[狼:it actually uses the word "world" twice right next to each other in the original, but we should definately change it. And it doesn't say why he can only take small steps, but I would guess obtaining parts would be his biggest problem. And his lack of thumbs.] ''

[天: "外世界にどんな世界" seems like repeating yourself is no problem at all in Japanese'.] 

''[味]: I think "see with my own eyes" would work very well here, tell me what you think. And I see no problem with "take little steps", though "take one step at a time" would sub very nicely IMO]''

[天: Sounds good to me.]

俺は、いつか目指す雲の果てを見ながらぶるりと身体を震わせた. 流れる雲が、少しオレンジ色に染まり始めていた. 蝉の声も変わり、夕闇の風が吹き始めた. 俺は弟が腹を空かせているだろうことを思いだし、急いで丘を下った.

One day I will feel my body shake as I head towards the end of the clouds. The drifting clouds are starting to get tinged with a faint orange. The cry of the cicadas has changed and an evening breeze has started to blow. I realize that I must be making my brother wait for dinner, so I hurry down that hill and back home.

---天

Finished Version
川の中で、キラリと光る. 翻った鱗の銀色が見えた. それと同時にじっと見つめていた浮きが、くくっ、と水の中に引き込まれる. 【リック】「よしッ！　やった！」 俺は、タイミングを見計らって、竿をぐいと引き上げる.

A twinkling in the river. Then a sudden turn and I can see silvery scales. At the same time, the bobber that has been sitting patiently suddenly catches and dips into the water. Rick: "Alright! Got it!" I carefully time it and pull the rod up.

ざざざと、森の樹が揺れる. 勢いよく川の中から飛び出した魚から飛び散った水が、風に乗って俺のヒゲを濡らす. 川につけてある魚籠の蓋を開けて、引き上げたばかりの魚から針を外す.

The trees in the forest shake and rustle. I heave and send the fish flying out of the river, the splash getting water on my whiskers. I take the cover off the fish basket that's floating in the water, and pull the hook out of the fish I just caught.

【リック】「あっ、ああっ！」 魚は俺の手から逃れ、音を立ててまた川の中に戻り見えなくなった. 川の流れる音と、蝉の泣き声が辺りに残る. 俺は濡れたヒゲをぐいと拭った.

Rick: "Ah-, Aah!" The fish slips through my hands and falls back into the river with a splash, disappearing from my sight. The noise of the water and the cry of the cicadas are all I'm left with. I wring out my wet whiskers.

【リック】「・・・ま、いっか」 魚籠の中には俺と弟の二人分の夕飯には充分すぎるほどの魚が入っていた. 俺は、川から魚籠を引き上げる. 冷たい水が、ばしゃばしゃと地面を濡らす. うーんと背伸びをして深呼吸. 胸の中が水の匂いと、花の匂いで満たされる.

Rick: "... oh well." In the fish basket are more than enough fish to make dinner for me and my little brother. I pull the basket out of the water. Cold water drips off it and leaves wet marks on the ground. I moan as I stretch my back and take a deep breath, filling my lungs with the smell of the water and flowers.

ここは、バストークの村から離れた場所にある川岸. 川の真ん中にある大きな浮島には、アモレアという香りのよい花が咲いている. ここは、俺の絶好の釣り場になっていてよく夕飯のおかずを捕っている. こんな村外れの水場には誰も来ないからほとんど俺だけの場所みたいなものだ.

This riverside is far away from Bastok village. On a huge island in the middle of the river bloom the fragrant flowers called Amorea. This has become my favorite fishing spot, I can easily catch a side dish for dinner here. Since it's so far away from the village nobody ever comes here, so it feels like my own private spot.

俺は、竿を片づけ、魚籠を肩にかつぐ. 西に傾きかけている太陽を背に、家路に就いた.

丘の上から、大陸の端っこが見える. 相変わらず、大陸の下には真っ白い雲が絶えず流れていた. 丘の上に立って感じる風の匂いは森の中の匂いとは違っていた. たぶん、あの白い雲の匂いなんだろう.

I wind up the fishing rod and lift the basket on my shoulder. With the setting sun at my back I head home.

From the top of the hill I can see the edge of the continent. As always, all you can see below is the everflowing stream of pure white clouds. The smell of the wind against my fur is different here than the forest. Perhaps it's the smell of those clouds.

俺は、大陸の端っこを越えてあの雲の向こうには何があるのか考える. あの雲の向こうには、俺の知らない新しい世界が広がっているのだ. そんな世界が本当にあるかどうかなんてわからないけれど、俺はきっとあると思っている.

"What if I could cross this edge, what would lie beyond those clouds?", I wonder. Spreading out beyond them lies a new world that I have yet to see. I don't know whether or not that world really exists, but I feel it definitely does.

聖典には大陸の下にはどろどろの溶岩や闇が広がっていると書かれている. その闇の中から俺達の住んでいる大陸が生まれたなんて書いてあるけれど、馬鹿げた話は信じていない.

In the holy scripture it says that below the continent there's nothing but thick lava and darkness, and that the continent we live on was born from that darkness. I don't believe in that nonsense.

俺の父さんは、学者だった. 古文書や伝説の研究をしていた. そして、あの雲の下には違う世界があることを突きとめた. 大陸の下には、文明が栄えていて俺達の世界とは違う世界があるのだと、日記や研究誌に書いてあった.

Our father was a scholar. He studied ancient documents and myths. And he found out that another world exists below those clouds. Below this continent, a civilization is flourishing, a whole different world exists there. That's what he wrote in his diary and his research papers.

俺には父さんの記憶はほとんどなかった. 知っていることといえば、母さんに聞いたことばかりだった. 父さんは、外世界に行くために、禁じられている飛行機の研究をしていたんだと言う. そのために、法律違反によって法王庁の憲兵に逮捕され、処刑されてしまったのだと言う.

I don't really have any memories of my father. All I know is what my mother told me. She said that in order to go to the outside world, father engaged in forbidden research about aircrafts. Because of that, because he had committed heresy, he was arrested by the Holy Order's military police and executed. That's what mother said.

けれど、それは違った. 俺は、父さんの秘密の研究所を見つけた. そこには、飛行機は完成して、飛び立つ前日までの記録が残っていた. 父さんが法王庁に逮捕されたなんてウソだった. 父さんは、外世界に向かって飛行機を飛ばしたんだ！

But that isn't true. I've found father's secret study. Left there were records about the completion of his airplane, dated until the day before his flight. Dad being arrested by the order, that was all a lie. Dad flew his airplane to that other world.

たぶん、禁止している飛行機が空を飛んだという事実を法王庁が隠蔽したに違いない.

俺も、父さんのように空を飛びたい. そして、外世界にどんな世界が待っているのか、それをこの目で確かめたい、そう思っていた. 幸い、父さんの研究所には、造りかけの飛行機と設計図が残っていて、少しずつだったけれど、俺が続きを造っている.

The order probably wanted to cover up that the forbidden airplane really flew through the sky.

I too want to fly through the sky, just like my father. And I want to make sure with my own eyes what kind of world is waiting for me out there. Luckily dad left an unfinished airplane together with the blueprints in his study. I can only take little steps, but I will continue building it.

俺は、いつか目指す雲の果てを見ながらぶるりと身体を震わせた. 流れる雲が、少しオレンジ色に染まり始めていた. 蝉の声も変わり、夕闇の風が吹き始めた. 俺は弟が腹を空かせているだろうことを思いだし、急いで丘を下った.

One day I will feel my body shake as I head for the end of the clouds. The drifting clouds are starting to get tinged with a faint orange. The cry of the cicadas has changed and an evening breeze has started to blow. I realize that I must be making my brother wait for dinner, so I hurry down that hill and back home.