- 汁: Pretty much okay, I think
- 味: The only thing getting to me is the friends bit, but hopefully my advice fixes that.
- 月: Last sentence just HAD to be difficult didn't it, heh, looks great now.
- 天: Tho I'd still like a comment on whether or not "wrapped up" sounds too awkward to use it at all, I think there are no further problem with this little chapter.
- 味: Only if it's not too much of a hassle, wrapped-up isn't too terrible. But that's just me :3
Translation & Finished version[]
<彼方> In the Distance
不意に女の子は、俺の視界から逃げるように走り出し、
ぐるぐる巻きの尻尾を不器用に揺らしながら俺が来たところとは別の飛び石を渡って向こう岸に行ってしまった。
Suddenly, the girl runs away from me and vanishes, almost as if she was fleeing. Swinging her bandaged tail awkwardly, she crosses the river on the stepping stones in the opposite direction from where I came and reaches the shore on the other side.
[味: Just changed the tense of "vanish" to present so it matches the rest of the sentence, and changed "wrapped-up" to "bandaged", as it sounds less awkward]
[天: About the word "wrapped up", I've used that a lot in the next couple of chapters. You think I should change some of these to "bandaged"?]
【リック】「あ、ねえ！ ちょっと待ってよ！」
俺は、声をかけて、女の子の後を追ってみたけれど、
その女の子は、ザパトの村の方に続く茂みの中に消えていった。
Rick: "Ah, hey! Wait a minute!" I speak up and follow her, but she disappears into the bushes towards Zapat.
【リック】「あの子・・・」
俺は、女の子の消えていった方をしばらく見ていた。
ここに来れば、また会えるのだろうか、この次は仲良くなれるのだろうか、なんてちょっと不純なことを思いながら、
俺は、花畑を後にして、帰路についた。
Rick: "That girl…" I look in the direction where she disappeared. If I come here again maybe I'll see her a second time, maybe we can become "friends". While having somewhat lewd thoughts, I leave the flowers behind me and begin walking home.
[汁: Honestly the last bit makes no sense. There just not enough innuendo in the English translation to make it work. Just adding scare quotes around "friends" would probably help.]
[出: Thanks for the input. It does look better just by adding quotation marks I think. Any other ideas for improvement?]
[汁: Nothing that I would not just change directly :p]
[出: Hey, if you want to change something directly, a word or a whole sentence, be my guest. I welcome all kinds of criticism ^^]
[汁: I'm not sure if this is Japanese being subtle, or just having a usual way of stating it, but I have an urge to change "impure" to "perverted". However, I'm not sure whether that's pushing it a bit too far.]
[出: Well, perverted works good later on, like when they're in heat, but isn't it a bit strong to throw it in right off the bat?]
[天: I could be wrong ^^" but I think for the ここに来れば it should be ambivalent whether it's he, she, or both that'll come here again, so I'd translate it as "If I come here again, maybe I'll see her a second time" (also avoiding the two "agains" here). As for 不純 I'd go with "naughty" or "lewd" since 純 should mean something like "chaste" plus the negation kanji 不. That way we could still use "perverted" when they actually have sex ^^.][天: Also "blarg" forgot to log in -.-"]
[汁: No prob. Japanese has a tendency to understate (at least when translated literally), so it's not always clear when you can/should be more direct or not...]
[出: I made some changes according to your advice. Does it sound better now? I think it does.]
[月: sounds fine to me. you could make it "special friends," or "friends with benefits" to add to how he feels about the girl. But i'm not quite sure about those ones myself, whatever sounds best to you.]
[汁: I switched it back to present since we decided on that. That's correct right?]
[味: "Close friends" or "good friends" sounds better to me as well as further driving the innuendo that he's thinking something dirty. Just let me know which one you guys think sounds best. And just changed "naughty" to "lewd" I think it suits the mood better].
[天: Sorry, but I'm getting the feeling this sentence got a little derailed. ^^"""" Yes he wants to hit her, but he doesn't say it as obviously as it sounds now ^^""". I've removed "close" and "these". I think the quotation marks alone are enough to tell the reader which kind of "friends" he means, and without the "these" it's a little more ambiguous what exactly he means. I hope that goes ok with everyone.]